


Catullus 5

by Justanothertrashaccount



Series: Olivia Benson's Prompted One-Shot Collection [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Insecurity, Scars, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:48:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27959420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justanothertrashaccount/pseuds/Justanothertrashaccount
Summary: Beginning of S16. After inviting Barba over to her apartment, Liv has a small breakdown due to the effects of Lewis and needs him to comfort her, which leads to them finally getting together. Their first time and the nervousness/anxiety that Liv has about her body and possible flashbacks. Sets up chapter 2, which will be a flash forward to their established relationship and the effects of her PTSD on their daily lives.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/William Lewis, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Series: Olivia Benson's Prompted One-Shot Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2046743
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	Catullus 5

**Author's Note:**

> I'm fairly confident that this is not exactly what the commenter had in mind, but after reading the amazing prompt, I couldn't help but instantly fall in love with this plot. Although I was tempted to write smut, it would have taken away from the tenderness of the moment. I would like to elaborate on this more, I might add another chapter where their relationship is well established and the issues are of a more everyday nature (which is what I think the commenter was aiming for). Flashback scene partially inspired by one of my earlier writings. Not my best work to be honest, but I am excited to see your guys' reaction.

**“the aftermath of Liv’s abduction in the context of a relationship with Barba. As in, they start a relationship after the Lewis thing and have to deal with all of the trauma and issues that Liv obviously has about it. The angstier the better. I would also really love it if you could deal with her physical scars and how that would complicate things in a physical relationship” – KC**

* * *

Olivia wasn’t quite sure where the nervous butterflies in her stomach came from, but she wished they’d go back to where they belong: seventh grade. The only sound in the apartment was the sounds of the carpet being squished under her pacing treads; the baby had been soothed to sleep an hour before. Despite their intimate relationship – strictly platonic so far – Barba had never visited her apartment at this late hour without members of the squad accompanying him. In a semi-alcohol-induced wave of confidence, Olivia had invited him over for dinner and a nightcap. The wine had worn off hours ago, and now her subconscious motives for inviting the ADA, and the hopes for what this night could lead to, were buried underneath a mountain of insecurity. 

Barba, or Rafael, was always a welcome figure in her chaotic life. The man exuded confidence as if it came in one of his fancy cologne bottles. Although this was a slight annoyance in the beginning of their professional relationship, Olivia now knew he had the skills to back it up. Or “brass balls” as Harris had once put it. 

A momentary flash of heat emanated from her lower abdomen. 

_God, has it really been that long? Great. Now I’m even thinking like a seventh grader._

The simple answer was yes, it had been that long. In fact, she hadn’t been with anyone after the first kidnapping. Not even with Brian, who was obviously reluctant for unstated reasons. Olivia almost wished he had claimed he didn’t want to hurt her, even pity would have been a desirable alternative to letting the resulting insecurities fester and chip away at her confidence. Undoubtedly, many New Yorkers went much longer without sex, but Olivia never really had that problem. According to a joking Fin, she was protected by “Pretty Privilege”. But things changed. Olivia changed. Physically, mentally, emotionally. 

  
_Am I even considered “pretty” anymore?_

The self-scolding at such a shallow question was immediate, but the inquiry had merit. Her somewhat fashionable and semi-revealing tops of the past were replaced by a blazer and loose blouse. Like a videogame avatar, who rotated through three outfits until it turned into a comforting uniform of sorts. “For professionalism” was the internal justification, but she was fooling herself and it was obvious. It was all a byproduct of insecurity. Insecurity about her looks, her body, her ability to command. Every V-neck was a calculated risk, every short-sleeved shirt had to be accompanied by a cardigan, and every outfit that deviated from the norm left her self-conscious and holed up in her office. 

Tears began to carve their way down to her jawline, but Olivia was too caught up in this contemplation to notice. 

Until the knocking on the door shocked the self-pity away. 

_Rafael’s here._

It was a mixture of embarrassment and relief. On one hand, she never did fix her makeup and her mind was racing so fast it just won the Indy 500. On the other… _Rafael_. 

The door was opened quietly and smoothly, waking Noah up was absolutely not desirable. 

“You okay?” 

The counselor almost physically cringed at his first reaction to the crying Sergeant. Of course she wasn’t okay, the tears and slouched posture were an obvious testament to that.

“I’m fine.” 

“That’s bullshit.” 

All Olivia could manage was to choke out an “I know”, and before either one knew what was happening, he swiftly embraced her. Second thoughts about touching a distressed assault victim were dismissed before they appeared as Olivia instinctively rested her head upon his chest. Light sobs filled the otherwise silent apartment. 

It took 10 minutes of cathartic crying, and another 5 of Barba gently stroking her hair, before either realized that they were still occupying the entryway with the door wide open. After closing it and retreating to the living room, Olivia found herself still wrapped in his comforting embrace once more. They both sat on the couch, her head in her hands and his arms wrapped around her middle. Just as before, Rafael began slowly and gently weaving his fingers through her thick brown hair. 

“Do you want to talk about it? Or do you just want to be distracted?” 

The question, posed by a hesitant man afraid to scare off the question’s target, was briefly met with silence. 

“I… I want to talk about it.” 

That was not the response either of them expected, but he took it in stride. If it wasn’t such a tender moment, he would be proud that she was choosing to open up to him. The dinner that she was supposed to have heated up and the scotch they were going to share were instantly forgotten. 

“I’m listening. To whatever you want to say. No pressure.” He stated this cautiously but firmly. 

“I feel… so… different.” 

He gave her time to continue speaking, and she did. 

“After Brian… I just suppose I don’t feel the way I used to about my body. Or myself.” she paused to take a breath in anticipation of approaching this sensitive subject, “You know, Lewis… said things to me. About me. About how it took so long for somebody to even know I went missing.” 

“Trust me, the second we realized you were missing, the precinct was buzzing with detectives who were desperate to find you. All of them wanted to get you back, and not just because you were a sister in blue. It was more than that. It was… I think it was that everybody understood the type of person you are. Irrreplaceable.” 

Olivia let the comment sink in for a couple seconds before choking out a quiet and rather awkward “thank you”. 

“It’s the truth.”

“I know… It’s just so hard. It gets harder every day. You know… having to come to terms with the fact that I’m not the woman I used to be. I’m damaged.” 

“Even though your shrink has probably been working hard to convince you otherwise, I’ll tell you the truth. You are damaged, Olivia.” Although the words seemed cruelly blunt, his tone suggested an affectionate caring that softened his poorly-chosen words. 

Her head bowed in shame, some falling locks of hair partially obscured the warm tears. 

“I know.” 

“I’m not done yet”, Rafael said softly and as non-assertive as possible, before tightening his embrace and leaning closer into her neck. 

“Okay…”

“You are damaged. But you are not broken. At this point I don’t even think that it’s possible to break you”, they both chuckled weakly before continuing their tasks of listening and assuring, “And when you feel too damaged, or ugly, or incompetent, you know you’ve always got people in your corner.” 

“I have been transformed into many things this past year. But weak isn’t one of them. I don’t… you have to understand…” 

“Take a breath. It’s okay, Olivia.” 

“I can’t have the squad think I’m weak”

“They don’t. They think, and rightly, that you are the polar opposite of weak, I promise.” 

“What do you think?” 

Rafael paused. He knew exactly what he thought, he’d known for a while now. Having her in his arms, in her apartment, in the quiet night… he was sure. Still, hesitancy persisted. 

_Am I taking advantage of her vulnerability?_

That thought was quickly dismissed, although it still echoed in the recesses of his mind. It’s not like he was asking for anything, let alone sex. It was simply an admission. About something he should have said a long time ago. 

“I think you’re an amazing woman.” 

_What the fuck was that?_ , He thought to himself. _“You’re an amazing woman”, really? There were so many options to choose from and I chose the most generic one possible._

Her cheeks quickly became pinker, and the coffee table was now the focus of her no-eye-contact gaze. An embarrassed but very appreciative “thanks” was whispered almost inaudibly. 

_She liked the compliment, thank God._

“And, Olivia, I think that ‘amazing’ doesn’t even begin to fit the bill.” 

Olivia gave him silence as a response, cuing that he should continue. A sharp breath was taken, and he steadied his shaking voice in preparation for his next admission. 

“I want to be with you.” 

The comment resonated within both of them, anticipation of her response was suffocating the usually suave ADA. 

“Rafa, if this is some pity sex thing… I can’t…” 

“This is not what this is. Or what it can be.” 

“I haven’t sex since Lewis.”

“Oh.” That shocked him more than he’d like to admit. Olivia was a rather outwardly confident woman herself, and even though he knew that this was not the case internally, he had assumed she had acted like some victims and chose to take control of her trauma by taking control of her sex life. 

“Yeah.”

“Its none of my business, but Brain didn’t…?” 

“I think it’s fair to say it kind of is your business now” she chuckled before becoming humbly sensitive once more, “No, he didn’t. I couldn't. I tried... handling the problem on my own, if you know what I mean, but involving another person just took too much trust. I don’t think he wanted to admit what happened anyway. To have to look at… everything.” 

“I… don’t know what to say.” 

A mischeivious grin appeared, accompanied by “That’s a first” 

“I think you’re still strong. Still beautiful. Regardless of… everything” 

“You haven’t seen everything.” 

“I’d like to.”

His boldness surprised both of them. 

“I’m not sure…”

Rafael’s gentle self-assuredness disappeared, replaced with a tone that Olivia had never heard him use before. 

“Liv, I’m so sorry. I should have even brought this up tonight, not under these circumstances. I shouldn’t have-”

He dropped his arms and broke the embrace. 

“Its not what you think.”

She moved to sit up, still somewhat leaning on him with her shoulder still resting against his chest. 

“I don’t understand-”

“I’m nervous. About sex. About freaking out during sex. About the possible pain and the control that person will have over me. Its suffocating.”

“I’d never hurt you.” 

“I know. But there is more to it than that. What about the scars? The fact that I’ll probably only be able to handle being on top? What if I have flashbacks? What if I hurt you?” 

“I want to try if you do. You’re worth it to me, Liv. Every second of every day, I want nothing more than to simply be near you.” 

Taking a few seconds to weigh the options, and then some more to bolster her own confidence, which was admittedly close to non-existent, Liv slightly rotated and moved her upper body until it was flush with his. A hand soon rose to cup his face, and both inhaled a sharp breath of anticipation. Her lips slowly rose to meet his in a chaste but romantic closed-mouth kiss. 

“Are you sure about this? I don’t want to take advantage of you.”, he whispered, breathlessly. 

“I want to. Or at least, I want to try. I can’t promise that I’ll actually be able to…”

“I know.” 

* * *

Half an hour of conversation and comfortable kissing later, somehow they ended up in her bedroom. The new setting was unfamiliar for Rafael, but a welcome one at that. Despite the fact that they had agreed that full sex was off the table at the moment, both experienced lovers felt like virgins again, adrift in foreign territory and not quite sure where to begin. 

He inched closer to Liv, who was standing a couple of feet away from the bed. He gently dragged his hand from her should down to her elbow. 

“You don’t have to do this. I don’t want to pressure you.”

“I know. I’m going to try, even if it probably won’t end well.”

He gently and slowly began to stoke her hair twice before moving lower to her shoulder and lightly pinching the fabric of her blouse. 

“If you want it to stay, it stays. This is completely up to you, Liv.” 

She answered by slowly removing the offending blue fabric, revealing a gray tank top underneath. Although she didn't necessarily want to display her many spots of marred skin, she feared that hesitating in this crucial moment would doom the interaction. Rafael didn’t attempt to look at her bare arms, instead focusing on her protruding breasts. He took one in his palm and squeezed gently over the cloth. Liv gave a light moan in response. First checking her eyes to search for any signs he should stop, the undershirt was unhurriedly raised up and over her head.

Before giving him a change to take in her almost naked upper body, Liv made a decisive choice to remove her sweatpants and moved to sit on the foot of the bed. Now clad in only her bra and panties, Rafael doffed his own clothing except for his boxers out of both fairness and desire. The relatively in-shape Sergeant moved back on the bed, until her whole body rested against the duvet and Rafael cautiously approached her and joined her on the bed, he consciously and guiltily not taking time to examine her lower body or abdomen. 

Slowly, but determinedly (once again reminding herself that hesitating in this process would be her downfall), Liv opened up her legs to him so he could settle in between them with only two cloth barriers between their most sensitive areas. As she felt his arousal pressed against her core, she took a second to practice some of the breathing exercises that Lindstrom had taught her to avoid flashbacks. Unfortunately, her shifting caused Rafael to involuntarily and unexpectedly buck his hips ever so slightly, and suddenly she couldn't stop it. 

* * *

_The mild breeze of the shore brought in a salty scent as Liv awoke on the wretched bed for the second time. As if on cue, Lewis merrily opened his own eyes in the chair he had moved next to the bed._

_"My lovely Livia!"._

_She shut her eyes once more and prayed that he would think she was still passed out._

_"I know you're awake, darling."_

_There wasn't a choice now, he knew she was conscious. Her eyes flew open._

_The iron-framed bed gently rocked in line with the new footsteps entering her personal space. It creaked when he sat on it, and the change in weight distribution was audible. H_ _e aligned his pelvis with hers and began to gently push against her covered center._

_"Please no" was repeated, albeit somewhat muffled due to the duck-tape. He pseudo-tenderly and slowly swayed against her a few times, both parties clothed, until he felt a sufficiently hard against her. Until her pleas became louder and more frantic._

_"You know what, baby? You're right.", he began, but still continued his motions of unfastening the belt and cutting the fabric of her pants._

_"We have get you all warmed up for our party, don't we? Wouldn't want to have you dry for our fun time, darling."_

_The implications of his words caused an involuntary scream, but the sound didn't carry far._

_Then the doorbell rang._

_"Oh look, we've got ourselves an audience! When I get back, you're top of the line up, baby!"_

_Louisa and the girl only talked to him for a few moments, before stepping into the kitchen. He returned, the tightness in his pants denied any delay. Olivia was gratefully surprised that he didn't bring them, but her stomach was in knots. His tented pants, which was being roughly fondled by his right hand, was almost as scary as the blowtorch in his left._

_"Batterrrr up!"_

_He unbuckled his own belt this time, and edged closer to the bed, eyeing the beauty of his prey._

_In one Hail Mary motion, the bar became loose and she swung, the crunch of his jawbone was satisfyingly harsh._

* * *

"Liv!", Rafael called to her once more, his voice shaking. Almost immediately after recognizing the situation, he had left the bed and retreated to the bedroom's far corner to give her space. 

"Olivia!" 

The icy glaze of her eyes finally began to recede, his long-time crush left trembling with adrenaline. 

“Are you okay? I can get dressed and go if you want time... away from men." He hoped that his word choice didn't imply he thought of her as a victim. Rafael put further distance between himself and his almost-naked friend. 

After bolting from the bed and similarly retreating to the opposite corner, Liv faced the wall with her hands resting above her head. She fought to even breathe, so responding to him was almost impossible. It took several minutes before she could manage to speak. 

"Just... just give me a minute"

She struggled to make it into the bathroom, the perceived exigence made it hard to stay still or stand steady. She occupied the space for several minutes, very aware that Rafael was waiting outside but drastically more concerned with the demons waiting within her mind. She checked her reflection before and after splashing cold water on her face, then resumed her pacing. Standing still wasn't possible. Breathing normally wasn't possible. It felt as if every breath yielded less oxygen than the one before, every glance in the mirror caused the fear to double, and every time she glanced at the toilet she was mentally transported back to when Lewis had "helped" her. Many deep breaths permeated the bathroom's silence before she managed to reduce the adrenaline to an acceptable level. Eventually, after several minutes, she was ready to try again. 

Exiting the safety of the bathroom timidly, Liv literally and metaphorically stepped out of her comfort zone.

"I want this. I want you. I'm sorry...I couldn't control it and then the memories didn't stop..."

"I want you too. Badly. But if you aren't comfortable, if you can't do this...", he warned kindly. 

"I can. Or at least I can try. I need to." 

Liv truly meant her last urging statement. She did need to. She needed to prove she could, that _he_ couldn't control her, and to conquer another hurdle on the road to recovery. It was important, and both understood 

They both initiated the physical contact this time, moving back to the bed where Liv explored the expanse of his surprisingly toned body with nimble hands. Rafael guiltily stayed focused on her face, her ass, and her breasts. The realization that he hadn’t actually really looked at the rest of her body, and instead focused solely on her redeemable features, exacerbated her insecurities. 

_He doesn’t want to see at my scars._

“How bad is it?”, she asked him, her voice weak and full of shame. "The scars, I mean."

Rafael leaned back a little, to fully take in the sight before him. 

He wanted to say they don’t matter, that he could look and touch them without noticing they were there. But they were, and he couldn’t deny it. As much as he yearned to be the perfect lover, being able to fully overlook these scars wasn’t in the cards. At least not right away. It wasn’t the physical presence of the scars that threw this experienced Special Victims ADA off, after all he had seen pictures from the rape kit and they had healed to a certain extent since then. It was the knowledge of how they got there that really permeated his every thought. Kidnapping. Torture. Assault. Dare he even say what others suspected but never proved, Rape. 

Olivia was crushed. She could almost feel the last shreds of her dignity being crumpled up and thrown away like a paper ball. Laying bare under his appalled gaze was horrifying. Olivia’s eyes filled with tears once more and she moved to get up. 

He gently laid her back down. 

“You’re beautiful”, he whispered breathlessly. 

Her body began to shake with sobs that hadn’t quite yet come to the surface, “I’m not. Please don’t lie. Being lied to out of pity is worse than…” she paused, to keep tears at bay, “its worse than you just being honest with me.”

Rafael paused, looking down at the woman beneath him and sensing her vulnerability. At the same time, he couldn’t help but sense the desire coursing through his lower body, either. This wasn’t just sex. It was so much more than that, and he knew it. Barba knew his best friend – a soon-to-be lover – was an amazing woman, and he knew the impact that her attractiveness continued to have on him. A diplomatic but honest admission carefully fell from loving lips. 

“Regardless of what that scum did to you. It…they were… It was a shock, I can’t lie. But I was disgusted by him, not you.” He let those words sink in before making up his mind and continuing, “I will not let either of us focus on something so trivial when our potential together is so great. You are beautiful, Olivia, and that bastard can’t take that away.” 

She smiled with relief. She smiled with hope, with pride, and with doubt. Rafael once again got to wonder how one Mona Lisa expression could hold so many emotions. 

He resumed his earlier position between her legs, and began to make the tiniest movements resembling an over-the-clothes thrust. Eventually, they worked their way to penetration, although Olivia suspiciously insisted that fingering or oral was not going to happen. Their cautious and tender lovemaking lasted well into the night. Soon both halves of the new couple collapsed, exhausted but thoroughly satisfied. 

"Kiss me, Rafa"

He really did love it when she called him that. Following a brief and caste kiss, he began to move his fingers over her neck and back. He remembered an old poem from when he took a Latin elective in law school, he spoke the translation like a lullaby to guide his love into sleep. 

"The suns are able to fall and rise: When that brief light has fallen for us, we must sleep a never ending night. Give me a thousand kisses, then another hundred, then another thousand, then a second hundred, then yet another thousand more, then another hundred. Then, when we have made many thousands, we will mix them all up so that we don't know, and so that no one can be jealous of us when he finds out how many kisses we have shared." 

Olivia, tired from both the emotional release and midnight romp, fell asleep rather quickly under his rendition of the lullaby-like poem. Rafael knew that her peace was likely short lived. Any nightmare would now have the added reality of waking up to a soreness that Olivia dreaded during her time with Lewis. 

He tore his eyes away from his new lover and refocused on the white ceiling, one arm resting on his chest and the other lazily drawing circles on Olivia’s exposed back. 

_Its going to be a long road from here_ , he thought to himself. 

It only took one glance at the woman beside him for a decisive and final determination set in. 

_She’s worth it_. 


End file.
